Yullen Week 2k15
by DarkPhoenix168
Summary: My interpretation of the themes of Yullen Week 2k15. Warnings: this is a Mature work, so some works are, well, Mature.
1. Trust

**AN: *** Nevously swallows*

H-Hey guys... I know it's been so so so long since I updated... ANYTHING. Life just decided to throw incident after incident on me and my anxiety flared up really bad and and...

I'm sorry :(

I feel like I let you guys down this year. But I really want to keep this up. Maybe not to what I used to do, but I will definitely do my damndest to get back into writing :)

I love you guys so much...

So here's Yullen Week 2k15

First theme is trust.

 **Warning: suicide attempt, cutting.**

* * *

Heavy boots clomped through the salty slush, full hands coming to slip between his ribs and upper arms as the slim form shuddered. The wind only added to the chill of the bitter winter, cutting past the layers of down and wool to freeze the bone, making everyone hurry to the convenience of modern heating. Shaking off the shudder that now spilled down his spine, the young man quickened to be like one of them, his pace brisker and his head bowed towards the looming house that beckoned him.

The blast of hot air that washed over the pale flesh was a welcome after nothing but cold had battered the skin. A gloved hand reached to pull down the red wool scarf, his elongated scar completely revealed in the process along with his bright red nose and panting lips. His white hair tilted back to touch the door as a deep breath of relief expelled from his lungs. His body stayed there, too tired to move, for a few moments more until the young man pulled his lithe form up and made it move towards the staircase.

His walk up the stairs was slower now, his feet dragging up the steps, head heavy in exhaustion. The day was long and taking, both mentally and physically. It wasn't like he didn't expect it, after all, he was the one who planned all this. All the appointments, chores; all almost done except for the most daunting and needed. Hope flickered in his eyes at the sight of the brass 3 sitting high up on his door.

Home.

While it was usually a sight to cause him peace and calm, today it sent a flutter of anxiety through him, reminders of his final task of the day and just how hard and draining it was to be. The difficulties he'd encountered up till now were nothing in retrospect.

Groves in the key bumped and clicked as it slid into the hole, the clicks as welcoming as the creaking door was, both opening his home to him. With a slam the wood closed behind the young man, his keys thrown unceremoniously to the countertop while his finger reached for the blinking play button on his answering machine.

"He-Hey! Allen!"

The jovial voice caught the young ma off guard for a moment, a slow smile spreading across his lips at the voice of his best friend.

"Hope you get this… been a Hell of a week huh?" the redhead cleared his throat, "I'm just calling to check up on you, you know? See how you're doing and all that. Hope you're doing… well… better than… yeah…" again the young man paused, "well… don't forget next week! I'll be there to pick you up! N-Not that I don't trust you cause, I totally do! I-It's just I've got a car and everything and-"

An automated voice recited the time and date his friend's message had been delivered. His small smile widened as the second message started to play.

"Whew! Sorry bout that buddy! Got cut off there for a minute. Anyway… stay safe, keep warm, see you next week… and… good luck tonight. Not because you need it, because you want to hear it."

Allen remained quiet as his knife rose and fell over the vegetables, carrots, cabbage, and onions sliced into bit big enough to sauté for what might be the last time he'd ever see his surely lover.

The lump in his throat was thick and almost impossible to swallow as each second ticked by, each moment lengthening as it passed; the future seeming too close and the past too far away. Silver eyes flickered up to look at the clock, waiting for the two hands to meet at the top, for the hour to announce itself and for the doorbell to ring through the apartment and announce the start of what could be the end.

Allen's lungs forced down the panic that threatened to burst forth, his breathing became controlled. In for a count of three, held for four, and released for seven. His panic slowly subsided to something manageable, something that could be contained until they faced each other for the first time in what was a week.

He should've called, should've talked, should've been there, should've seen each other before tonight.

Should've explained.

Another wave of dread filled him, this time averting the panic and settling into the darker corners of his mind. The pan sizzling with oil was the only thing to keep his concentration focused, away from the negatives that took him so far away from everything he cared about and loved.

The negatives that hurt his friends.

Tongs flipped over their side dish, the silver eyes looking for the golden crisp that would give them at least something else to talk about other than his own stupidity. Nails scratched beneath the white hair, his teeth tightening as he did his best to dab off the oil residue he was looking for. If everything was perfect, he could be too.

Couldn't he?

Allen was lucky that he had already set the plate down; the door slam might have sent the spring rolls sky high.

Looking up, the silver eyes watched as the young man pulled off his own scarf, his blue eyes looking away from the young man as he gathered up his winter wear in his arms, his coat only unzipped but still over his shoulders.

"Hey," Allen tried to keep himself neutral as he greeted his guest, unsure of what to do with his body as he stood uncomfortably by the table, "dinner's almost-"

"I'm not staying for dinner."

It was the blunt answer Allen expected, though that did not cut through the pain. Stealing his found determination, the young man steadied his gaze on the cold one, his shoulders squaring before the tight jaw cut him off.

"One week," Kanda snapped, his controlled anger making Allen more nervous than if he just yelled at him, "I don't here from you for one fucking week and all I get is a 'can you come over?'," his brows narrowed into a crease, "what the Hell?"

Allen tightened his own lips as he tried desperately to keep the control he had been struggling with for over a week. His tongue moved over his lips while the rage Kanda had been consumed by continued to burn and refused to be contained.

"I had to hear from Lavi," the elder pressed on, his anger now cracking his mask, "imagine that? I had to hear from _Lavi_ that _my_ boyfriend was in the damn _hospital_!"

Allen flinched at the volume Kanda started to unleash, his knuckles turning white with anger and fire blazing in his eyes.

"You didn't even bother to call while you were _there_!" Kanda shouted, "what the Hell is wrong with you!?"

"Kanda-"

The elder's demeanor silenced any protests Allen had prepared, the long hair swishing as the elder shook his head.

"You have no explanation," the elder informed him, "no damn decent reason that would give any _rational_ human cause to keep it from someone they've _said_ they care about."

The two just stood in a horrible silence, nausea brewing in the pit of Allen's anxiety. His lips tightened then pursed, tears now blooming behind his eyes.

"I hope you didn't waste too much time on thinking about tonight," Kanda told him, his frustration clearly at it's peak, his head shaking in disbelief, "I shouldn't have even left my damn apartment-"

"HERE!"

Kanda, with his hand on the doorknob, turned to continue their fight, to let go all of the pent up frustrations and fears that had plagued him for the past week. He meant to snap and argue, to push Allen into honesty, to have him shake off the false persona Allen had been wearing.

He meant to tear into the younger, to force a confession out of the young man he'd shared a bed with the past year and a half, to force the young man he'd known since their teen years into the honesty Allen so highly valued.

He did not expect to see the marks trailing from one end of the wrist to the other, other marks in almost parallel succession trailed up to halfway up his lower arm.

"I… couldn't tell you… I didn't know how too…"

The young man felt his mouth quiver as he determinedly bore his shame, Kanda saying nothing as his younger did the best to keep his sanity.

"I… screwed up," Allen felt himself break along with his voice, his wrists still held out to the other, all anger in the blue eyes vanishing into shock, the younger daring to press on. "I-I didn't know what to do," his words were barely above a whisper, "I-I just…" tears started to fall down his cheeks, "I-I-"

"What have you done to yourself?"

The younger waited for the deep voice to return to anger, to demand an explanation once again, to hit him, to scream at him, to call him an idiot. A voice as gentle as the fingers coming to cup the scarred wrist was a shock, his voice almost as quiet as Allen's. Shock kept Kanda's eyes wide as they studied the marks that could've taken away the young man he cared about so dearly.

"Moyashi… why?"

The young man couldn't find the words to answer the hoarse question, Kanda's throat having caught the same hoarseness that Allen's had contracted.

"I… I don't know," Allen finally whispered, his nose sniffling, "everything's been so good…" he hiccoughed slightly, "I-I have Lavi and all them… m-my music is doing good," silver eyes looked up to the elder, the tears making his eyes glassy, "I have you…" he forced down the lump in his throat, "I… I couldn't let it go bad…"

Lips quivered as Kanda tried to form a question, his mind spinning at the information while Allen couldn't stop the misery from spilling over.

"Wh… Why would it just go bad?" Kanda asked, his eyebrows pressing into knots.

White hair shook as an answer, his teeth taking in his lower lip.

"I-I don't know," Allen mumbled, "things just… _do_ ," he sucked in a shuddering breath, "I want to explain it… I wish I _could,"_ his lungs sawed in an out, "it just happens… when things go well… it just goes bad… like with Mana…"

A strong chest pressed against Allen's, arms that surrounded his just as strong, squeezing him hard enough to leave bruises on his back.

"Moyashi…"

Sincerity dripped from Kanda's voice as Allen felt tremors run up and down his spine, the shivers passed from Kanda to the younger. It was all it took; Kanda's fear and empathy made the tears free from Allen's eyes, his hands reaching to clutch and claw at the other's coat while he sobbed relentlessly into the strong shoulder.

He needed Kanda, needed the confidence the elder exuded, needed to be held by the strong arms.

Needed someone to trust.

"K-Kanda… Kanda I'm sorry…"

They were the only three words he could get out passed his tears, Kanda saying nothing as he let the other released the week of solitude an isolation on his shoulder. All the pent up frustration, misery, fear, anxiety and depression came tumbling from Allen's mouth onto the young man he should've confessed everything too.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sor-"

Kanda said nothing as he held the younger tighter, his nose burying in the white hair as Allen just openly cried, his hands grabbing and pulling them as close as he could make it.

"Moyashi…"

Allen had never known Kanda to be soothing and calming, yet the hand on the back of his hair and the soft voice was easing and relaxing, gentle and even kind.

"If… If bad things happen… then they happen…" Kanda whispered, "I know that doesn't help… but it's not your fault… you need to trust-"

"I-I do," Allen coughed out, "I-I mean… I thought I did…" he swallowed thickly, "i-it was never anything you did… or didn't-"

"Do you… trust yourself?"

The question stunned the younger, his sobbing managing to subside as the gently pulled back to look up to the deep blue eyes he'd been dying to see since his stay in the hospital. The two days they kept him under watch was almost too much, though it would have been shorter had he not admitted to thinking calling Lavi was an accident. Every time the thought ran through his head, the cobalt eyes came into his mind, the strong arms that held him both gently and firmly reminding him that Kanda deserved better than this, deserved more.

"I… I…"

Allen swallowed again, trying to calm his body before answering.

"I don't know," he whispered, "I… it got so bad and… I felt… I felt like I couldn't tell anyone… but I _knew_ I could…"

He took a deep shuddering breath as a hand pressed firmly to his back.

"I _knew_ I could trust you… Yuu," Allen hiccoughed, "but… but-"

"Depression screws with you."

Allen remained silent as Kanda continued to calm him, his presence alone soothing.

"I know you… I should've seen the signs…" his lips pressed to the white locks, "help me to make you trust me more…"

"Wh…"

"I can't lose you."

Allen heard the pain the elder tried to mask in his voice and in the shiver that went through Kanda's arms.

"Moyashi... Allen…"

A warmth dared to flutter in Allen's chest at the mention of his name, Kanda's accent thick and his voice deep.

"Help… help me… please?"

Kanda sighed as he pulled back enough to meet the silver eyes, the two still keeping their eyes around each other.

"You're going to trust yourself again," Kanda promised, his thumb rubbing on the younger's upper arms, his forehead touching Allen's, "enough to know when not too."

The corner of Allen's lip tugged for a moment, his body wanting desperately to launch back into Kanda's arms and remain there until one or both of them fell asleep.

"If you have to trust one thing about me… it's that… I… do love you…"

Kanda seemed hesitant at the words, testing each one on his tongue before he said it, seeming unsure, though not for the feeling behind them, because of the vulnerability it had.

Allen wished he was healthier, wished that his mind was able to process and accept without any doubt. He hated that a part of him, a much darker part than he wanted gone, was telling him otherwise.

"I'll help you accept that."

Red-rimmed silver met the cobalt, the elder's sincerity unable to hide behind the fear Kanda held for the young man.

"You're going to trust yourself again… like I trust you…"

"Even after all I did," Allen mumbled, his eyes turning to look at the marks on his wrists, "what I almost did…"

A hand covered the healing cuts, the fingers gentle over the embarrassment.

"I trust you for stopping," Kanda whispered, his lips lowering down to touch the marks Allen wanted gone, the younger's throat catching at the action, "we'll work on the rest."

"It'll take awhile," the younger whispered, a hand reaching to cup his cheek, "might be forever…"

"Then I'll be here..." Kanda promised, Allen feeling his face pull into a true smile for the first time in what might've been a lifetime, the negative and cruel thoughts losing, only for a moment, but it was enough for him to trust that, despite his mistake, he'd be okay, even if just for a moment.


	2. Liberate

**So a lot of you have been asking about the themes. If you go to Yullen-Week on tumblr, you can find them, but today's is Liberate. The rest are:**

18-19th: Trust  
20-21st: Liberate  
» To set free  
22-23rd: Absolution  
» To be granted forgiveness of sins/wrongs committed; freeing of guilt  
24-25th: Scars  
26-27th: Onsra  
» To love for the last time (Boro; also transliterated as Onsia)  
28-29th: Swan Song  
» A person's final public performance/professional activity before retirement;  
derived from the legend that a swan is mute until moments before death  
during which it sings a beautiful song  
30-31st: Revenant  
» Coming back; returning from the dead/after a lengthy absence  
or Metempsychosis  
» Reincarnation, rebirth, rebirth as a new life form

(I took this directly from their tumblr)

 **But on another note. If you haven't yet heard.**

 ***Ahem***

 **D. GRAY - MAN IS GETTING AN ALL NEW ANIME IN 2016!**

 **THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I REPEAT! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!**

 **I AM LITERALLY SHAKING FROM THIS NEWS OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!**

 **It is an all new cast granted, but it looks SOOOO GOOD (try youtubing it)**

 **And now, back to teh smut!**

* * *

Night was often soft and calming to the young man whoso often spent his days and nights alone. They were silent, peaceful, and relaxing enough to wash all the anxieties and stresses of the day. It was surprising, though, that he found relaxation in the dead of night when solitude during the day brought on his fears to the forefront of his mind. Alone was when he thought of the worse, when his mind spun to keep itself busy it often made the knots in his stomach tighten into an unbearable mess. Twisting and tightening until any tugging would tear, not help.

Day after day he found stresses to build the twisting, to push him deeper into the growing and festering fears that occupied his thoughts. His breaths would become shortened, unable to fully fill his lungs, air unable to reach his head, his body panicking when It couldn't get the help it needed. Each day he forced a smile to his friends, reassuring them he was doing better than he really was. The looks in their eyes told him that they did not believe him, though there was nothing they could do or say to him without interfering with his life; none of them wanted to hurt or offend him.

At least, almost all of them.

The eldest of his three closest friends would go out of his way to berate him, to make fun of him, to call him out on his lies and deceit. Lies the youngest was quick to defend. The two of them were loud when they fought, though their physical brawls rarely left permanent marks or did enough damage to land them anywhere that needed immediate medical attention.

Not that their friends believed them.

The other two were quick to jump in the middle, pulling them apart, berating them for being so childish, so petty; for nearly killing each other.

Kanda did the furthest thing from it.

It was on the night after the elder two of them had received an acceptance letter from University, though none of them had accepted any as of yet. The group decided to get together to celebrate the next step in their lives, bottle of alcohol were consumed, laughter was had; it was to be a rather uneventful night all around.

The youngest was in the kitchen, taking deep breaths to steady himself from the surge of panic that had overwhelmed him when the Japanese man strode in, his eyes narrowing as he commented on the younger's state of mind and his current actions to abate the former.

His response was intended to be sarcastic and childish, angry at his interrupted attack. What came tumbling out after a moment of retort was less than tough. Tears started to pour and his anxiety frothed forth and his fears came to the ugly light. His body started to crumble at the weight of his truth, almost as though he couldn't handle telling another about what was plaguing him.

The elder said nothing as the younger stammered in front of him, words pouring from the quivering lips. Any comments the younger expected, any poignant glares, any hateful looks; nothing was directed at the young man.

After what felt like an eternity, the white hair started to lift up to face the young man he'd confessed his deepest darkest secrets too, only to be aided by a hand cupping his jaw.

Lips pressed firmly against to each other, the silver eyes widening in shock at the touch while the dark blue eyes remained gently closed. They remained still for a brief moment, the youngest in shock while the elder pressed them closer, his hand coming to grip the edge of the countertop the sink rested on, the youngest trapped in between the two.

He was still in shock as they parted, something unknown flickering in the dark blue eyes before the elder started to turn away from him, mismatched hands stopping them.

It was as if something broke, a cage weakened for the beast to escape. Gripping the front of the white collared shirt, the elder's attention was grabbed for a moment before he stumbled back from the force with which the youngest leapt on him.

Hands gripped the articulate cheekbones and lips returned to what they craved most. The kisses were slow and deliberate at first, full of innocence and even flecks of fear, before a hands came to grip the slim legs ad hoist the slim form to the countertop, the legs now reaching to hug the strong hips as the hands pulled them closer together, lips now starting to part for quick breaths of air and to reposition themselves for a better feeling.

The two were lost in their own world for an almost dangerous amount of time. It was the roaring laughter and clanking beer that snapped them from their hidden tryst. Glancing up, the two young men looked towards the light pouring in from the door, the elder seeming unperturbed by the action and interested in returning, his lean halted when he saw the embarrassment creep onto the pale flesh. Lower lip in his teeth, the long fingers gripped the thin wrist before he pulled the shocked silver eyes towards the back door, the two sneaking out in silence.

Any protests the younger would have had were reserved until they entered the empty home, the long hair swishing until it was determined they were truly alone.

Words started to protest their actions before the lips were captured again, the hands cupping the marks that left a trail down the younger's left eye, any protests silenced by the words that slipped from the elder's lips in whispered tones.

"Just be you… Allen."

His name was laced with the thick accent the Japanese had not lost in the decade he'd lived in the country. It was almost sensual, the way the warm breath ghosted over the parted lips, the deep voice meeting the dark eyes, a shiver running through the pale spine and the absolute want that the elder exuded.

"Kanda…"

It was all it took.

Allen barely had time to whimper as his back hit the wall with enough force to knock the breath out of him. Lips returned to capture his, their need and lust unhindered now that they were away from any potential onlookers. Kanda gripped the upper arms while Allen's hands cupped the elder's elbows, his hands trying to find more of the elder to hold, to grip, to keep his handle on reality with the body that he'd been desiring since his sexual awakening.

He'd always wanted men, wanted to be loved and held by those of his sex. No matter how often he was bombarded with the message with it was wrong, that it was unclean and disgusting, he _wanted_ it.

He'd tried his best to hide it, to keep his desires locked away and hidden from all prying eyes. To spend the rest of his life alone would not be the worst thing that could come out of his life. Embarrassment, being ostracized, hated; he could never live with that.

Even if that meant never knowing the ouch of another's skin; Kanda's especially.

Allen felt he could supress the want until the elder left for university, that he could calm his urges until Kanda was out of his life.

He could never have imagined how devastating it was to even think of the elder leaving.

Not that he was imagining anything other than the touch of the strong body at the moment.

Kanda's hands found the hem of the shirt and began to touch and grip at the pale flesh beneath it. His fingers pressed at the flesh above the pale hips, forcing the clothes further up the body, the task made all the more difficult with Allen's own hands moving around Kanda's arms. Nails dug into the white sleeve in an attempt to claw at the muscles beneath it while his mouth tentatively opened to allow the slick muscle into the warm cavity.

Allen could help the keening moan that slipped from the back of his throat when he felt the touch of Kanda's tongue against his own, his fingers threading through the back of the high ponytail while his mouth angled for a better feeling, not that he was sure there was one.

He was mistaken.

Each touch felt better than the last, the pleasure brought about by the touches on his tongue only serving to encourage the member growing harder in his pants.

The blast of air that washed over his skin was shocking, his mouth inhaling sharply as the cold washed over his pale skin, the intake of breath short-lived as Kanda stopped it with his mouth. Like an armature Allen clawed blindly at the front of the button up, almost unable to remember how to undo the shirt. With aid from the wearer, both chests were allowed to rub against each other, the warmth in their bodies controlled by the coolness of the air.

Nails dragged down the twitching muscled back, Allen daring to lift his legs around the other's hips, Kanda's strength supporting the two of them as he hoisted the younger up. For a brief moment, Allen felt as though he were floating, his body supported on nothing but strong arms until cushions hit his back, his body bouncing slightly at the impact. Kanda wasted no time delving onto the moaning young man, his body expertly lowering overtop of the pale body, his lips only kissing the other's for the briefest of moments.

Toes curled as kisses fluttered down his neck and to his collarbone, lips finding the spots that made Allen twitch and moan, his body arching to help Kanda find the areas he seemed to already know. Pressing the muscled body as close to his own as he could, the younger tilted his head to touch the couch cushion, his back arching closer to the mouth slowly traveled down the line of his chest, the tongue flicking out to soak the skin,

" _Hah… uhhn…"_

Allen no longer cared about who might hear his cries; he had what he wanted.

Kanda was _giving_ him what he _needed_.

All his life he'd been told he was wrong, to keep himself locked in, away from everyone else. He hated the truth, feared what honesty would bring. Feared being alone.

Fingers gently hooked into the hem of his pants, Kanda doing far too well to be doing this the first time. Gently lifting his body to prop up on elbows, hazy silver eyes watched the elder kiss and suck at the pale flesh, Allen sure marks would be left on his body after this encounter. Noticing the change in the other's position, dark blue eyes lifted to meet the silver, the lips lifting from the navel as the elder straightened up.

There were no words between the two as Kanda's body returned to gently kiss the other's lips, slower this time, more passion, more want.

More love.

Allen cupped the other's cheeks, his arms now clinging for more than lust. Kanda only reciprocated, pulling him in closer, comforting him rather than continuing on with their raw antics. Held closer than before, Allen felt his anxiety dissipate, the elder's presence enough to sooth the twisted knots that had congealed in his stomach, gently tugging them enough to unravel a piece.

A piece wasn't everything, but it was enough.

"Hey…"

Kanda gently pulled back to look at the younger, his eyes watching the silver flicker up to him, a small smirk on his face.

"I didn't say stop…"

The grin on the elder's lips was as knowing as Allen's, the two slowly resuming the actions that was beginning to free Allen.

If this was all it took to make the younger happy, he'd have jumped Kanda years ago.

Heat returned as hips lifted up off the cough to grind against the budding member Kanda sported, the two growing hard against each other. Mouth open and panting, Allen whimpered while kisses rained down his chest and collarbone, hands massaging the lower torso and hips, shaking hands reaching to grip at the shoulders, his nails determining to make permanent marks in the toned flesh.

Pants and underwear went in one movement, the chill in the air returning to wash over his lower extremities, a shudder announcing how cold it made him.

The warmer form covered his at the movement, hands to either side of the white hair, the thighs spread apart to make room for what was to come.

Swallowing his nervousness, Allen felt more than saw Kanda slip off the last of his own garments, the denim falling to meet Allen's. A reassuring kiss planted on the younger's lips, Kanda's fingers trailing down the creamy thighs to ease the pleasure he wanted his partner to feel.

" _Ah… hmm… huh…_ "

Whimpered trembled from the younger's lips as something slid inside him, twisting and turning as Kanda gently started to stretch him, to prepare him. Hips lifting to aid him, Allen felt his abdomen tighten as he tried to hold his position, all efforts failing as a shock of pleasure turned his vision white.

Crying out in pleasure, the younger was vaguely aware of his pleading for another, for it to happen again, for _more._

A plead that was quickly granted.

Again and again, Kanda pressed and pleasured the younger with just his fingers, the body beneath his twitching and crying at the feeling.

White hair thrashed as the mouth begged and sobbed for more, barely noticing how Kanda was getting ready for his own excitement. Too engrossed with his own pleasure, Allen only panted as something thicker than a finger pressed against his entrance, his body only starting to realize the foreign object when it began to slip it.

Gritting his teeth at the pain of stretching, Allen tried desperately to focus on the pleasure he'd been feeling, the pleasure he was _going_ to feel.

How good it felt to be open and free.

Kanda was impatient with Allen, sighing and grunting as he entered him truly, his fingers balling into fists as he gripped the couch, wanting desperately for the pleasure to be mutual, for Allen's sake, for what he'd gone through bottling up everything he felt and pouring it into the darkness of his mind.

They couldn't seem to be still for more than a moment. Any break Kanda wanted to give Allen was denied as the younger wrapped his arms around the back of the other's neck, pulling him closer, silently begging for more.

" _Ah… HA!_!"

The shock was immense, the euphoria in his mind helping to dull the pain, his body rocking back from the force Kanda thrust into him. Crying for a moment, deep breaths helped calm the younger, his lungs expanding in time with Kanda's to ease the pain.

Strong and powerful was what coursed through Allen, Kanda delivering each thrust slowly and deliberately, the younger's cries now becoming ones of pleasure and wanting.

Desire shot through the pale form, the chest arching up and sweat starting to drip down the spine, his fingers attempting to rip the soft material from the couch seat. Drool started to slip down his cheek and chin, dripping onto the material without any cares from the bearer. Pale chest turning red from the heat he now exuded, Allen felt the pleasure intensify as he realized just how _right_ it was, how _good_ this felt.

He was finally _free_.

A gasp was the only thing that gave his body oxygen as he reveled in the feeling of liberation Kanda granted him. Toes tightened and curled as the elder repeatedly thrust into him, his own body coated in a layer of sweat akin to Allen's, the marks on his body starting to turn a raised red.

They were led by nothing more than pure instinct and desire, lips crashing against each other and hands trying not to claw the flesh off their bodies. Tongues mixed and pleasure was given and received, their releases together and almost together, the euphoria experienced hardly enough to calm them and left the two of them doing nothing but panting and staring at each other.

Silently, mismatched hands reached to cup the cheeks once again, the dark blue eyes looking down at the younger with a yet unseen softness. Gently, Allen pulled his weary body up off the couch to press his lips to the elder, this kiss one of gratefulness and love, the other reciprocating with compassion and an unknown gentleness.

Held tightly, Allen felt tears prick his eyes as he found the ends of the ball of anxiety, found a way to undo the hurt, to untwist the knots.

To finally be free.

All it took was Kanda to liberate him.


	3. Absolution

**Day 3!**

 **Absolution: to be granted pardon from sins/guilt**

 **It's not my best work, but I think it's kinda cute.**

 **Also, Next theme "Scars" might be a little late. Busybusybusy these next two days with work and such.**

* * *

A bleary grey sky was seemingly the perfect match to the young man's moods. Deep blue eyes looking up, Kanda watched as the sky's rolled and changed from a lighter grey to a darker one, no sun daring to spoil his horrid mood. Hands deep in his pockets, the young man kept his head bowed and path straight, desperate to return home before the rain started and his next journey would be put off.

That couldn't happen.

He quickened his pace, determined to ignore the annoying ringtone that was his so-called friend's voice continually saying "Kanda, pick up! Kanda, pick up!". The redhead had managed to lock his phone with the most annoying ringtone and had yet to tell the elder how to undo it. Not this it mattered, it wasn't the redhead he was ignoring.

For the second time in the hour, Kanda's cell phone buzzed with the dreaded number, his lungs expelling a deep sigh as he swiped the phone to dismiss the caller. Shoving it roughly in his pocket, the young man growled quietly as he continued down the street.

He wasn't talking to him. He just wasn't.

He could call again and again, as many times in the day as he wanted, as many days in a row.

Kanda simply was not answering.

He was _never_ answering.

Boots clomped along the slush, deliberately kicking a bank or two out of the way, as though it held all of his problems.

He just wanted this to end, for the young man, who's stubbornness was only rivaled by his own, to finally give up and move on.

He almost laughed at how pitiful his own joke was.

But perhaps, just perhaps, the younger would accept the hurt and grow to hate him, and that hate would keep the young man far, far away from any danger Kanda could possibly put him in.

He would not lose another.

His belittlement of the lumps of snow was stopped short as his eyes fell upon the shock of white hair that was casually leaning against the wall of his building, his eyes looking every which way for the elder young man. Silver eyes were both confused and frustrated as they strained the crowd for his now ex-boyfriend.

The struggle of whether or not to venture into his apartment had to be a brief one; there was no way the younger wouldn't find him, given that he was _looking_ for him didn't help any.

Kanda felt the knot between his brows tighten as he shut his eyes against the sight he inevitably had to face.

One deep breath later and he was walking down the sidewalk towards his home, the younger spotting him almost immediately and turned to greet him, his jaw tight and face set. Hands deep in his pockets and feet at shoulder length apart, the young man waited patiently to start in on the elder.

"We need to talk."

Saying nothing, the black hair swished as the other searched for the keys hiding in his pocket, deliberately ignoring the other for the door.

"Hello? Did you hear me? We need to talk?" the other repeated, all trace of light and kindness in his voice scarified for anger.

Again the young man pressed on, the keys jingling as they turned the tumblers, a hand on his arm preventing him from going inside.

"Kanda!"

"Get off me!" the elder finally snarled, his arms roughly shoving off the scarred hand.

In one fluid motion, he pushed the younger off and slipped inside, his attempts to shut the door foiled as he misjudge the other's speed, a dart of white shooting in before the metal slammed shut behind them.

Blue eyes glared at that other, his body rounding on the other that stood tall against him.

"Get out!" Kanda ordered, "get out before I call the owner!"

"As long as we talk, you can do whatever you want," the younger retorted, his arms crossed over his chest, "besides, he won't do a damn thing since he hates you."

Teeth ground tightly against each other as the elder slowly came to terms with the reality of his situation, now regretting the decision to threaten the portly man with a lawsuit if he didn't fix the heater.

"Fuck off."

With a huff the boots hit the stairs, Allen hot on his heels and calling out to him all the while.

"Kanda! Will you just stop and listen!?" the younger seemed to plead with him, his hands trying to catch the other's attention without pulling him down the stairs, "Kanda!"

Continuing on his trek, the elder wanted nothing more than to shove Allen out the door, to push him away, to keep the young man away from him.

To keep him safe.

The return to his apartment should've been one of calm and seclusion, not the precursor to a fight.

Again he was determined to turn and slam the door against the younger, and again, he misjudged the swiftness with which the younger's feet could carry him.

"MOYASHI!"

The other's jaw was tight as he stared angrily at the other, hating both his nickname and the situation. Arms over his chest, Allen stood firmly in the apartment that had almost every surface christened by the two of them.

"We. Are. Having. This. Talk."

Kanda glared at the younger, his jaw tightening as he tried to avoid throwing down his shopping and smacking the other.

"What's there to talk about?" Kanda muttered angrily, "we're done. Over. Ended. Finished," he leaned towards the young man, "get over it."

"We… are _not_ over," Allen shot back, " _not_ until we talk about this!"

"Since it's not getting through your skull," the young man sucked in a deep breath, "THERE IS NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT!"

The anger Kanda exuded was nothing new to Allen, his body standing firm against the taller.

" _We_ are not done," Allen repeated, "not until you tell me _why_. And just because isn't a damn decent answer."

"Shame, since that's the only one you're getting," Kanda grumbled, his countertops now filled with his shopping.

"Not if I pry one out of you," the younger mumbled, his body coming to the over side of the counter, "Kanda-"

"I cheated on you."

Mouth half open and in shock, the younger stood there, his body slowly pulling away from the young man that now glared at him.

"Wh… Wha-"

"I cheated on you, I hate you, you cheated on me," the elder listed off, "pick whichever reason you want to tell people and I'll agree to it."

Furious now that the elder would not give him the seriousness the situation deserved, Allen did his best to hold back the fist he wanted to slam into Kanda's mouth.

"This isn't about telling people a story," the younger hissed, "this is about why _you_ want to end _us_ ," Allen swallowed thickly, "I thought we were good…"

"Well you were wrong," Kanda told him bluntly, "now _leave_."

"No."

Teeth ground against each other as Kanda was blatantly reminded about Allen's stubbornness, his hands balling into fists.

"We _were_ good," Allen told him fiercely, "you and I had spats, but they weren't bad enough to cause _this_. And _yes_ I know that because we fought worse when we weren't together."

Infuriated that he was cut off, Kanda looked for a way out of his predicament, for someway to leave the situation he was forced into.

"Just… I'd had enough-"

"Then just _tell_ me what went wrong!" Allen continued to press, "you-you and I… I thought-"

With a deep breath, Kanda looked up at the young man, his body daring to falter at the sight of pain deep in the young man's silver eyes.

"You thought wrong."

He would always be impressed at how firm and tall the young man could stand despite the pain and hurt that could be thrown his way.

"No. I didn't."

The resolve in Allen's voice was definite. Unswayed by any of his partner's words, the younger stood against the barrage of anger spewed forth at him.

"I didn't read it wrong; I play poker, don't I?"

"You _cheat_ -"

"I _cheat_ when I can," the young man retorted, "poker helps me to read people, enough to _know_ -"

"Well you _don't_ ," Kanda interrupted, "you _don't_ know everything!"

"That's because _you_ don't _tell_ me anything!" Allen shot back, "I put up with it for as long as it didn't interfere with _us_ ," his hands slammed on the countertop, "now it has, so _out with it_!"

Their noses were close enough to touch after Kanda had leaned towards the younger, both eyes boring holes into the other's.

"No."

Kanda kept his voice level despite the silent pleading from Allen's silver. He was not losing another, even if that meant hurting him.

"Now-"

"What part of _no_ confuses you!" Allen yelled, his hand reaching across to grab the front of Kanda's shirt, the bags toppling over while their contents spilt to the floor, "Kanda-"

With a shove Allen stumbled backwards, confused as he watched the elder dive for the white roses that fell to the floor, his fingers swiftly gathering up the flowers.

"Kanda-"

"Just get out."

It was not the anger or hatred that Kanda exuded that made Allen frightful, it was _this_. This hoarse hollowness, the emptiness that Kanda now held.

"Kanda…" Allen tried again, his steps tentative and his hands extending out of gentleness, "wh... what-"

"They're for a friend," the elder told him, "someone…" his long black hair shook, "just forget it," he rounded on the younger, "forget it and get out!"

Trying to make sense of the situation, Allen remained rooted to the floor, his eyes stuck to the slight quiver in the outstretched arm. Forcing himself to relax, the younger felt realization wash over him, shocking him to his core and making his stomach turn.

"When did he die?"

Kanda was relearning many things today, the most recent was Allen's ability to read people, almost as though he had a six sense.

He didn't want to admit it, didn't want to confess the truth he'd buried for years. It was his secret; his and no one else's.

"Awhile ago…"

The words just tumbled from his lips, his body instinctively trusting the warmth and kindness he'd convinced himself that Allen faked. His head shook; what he was doing was ludicrous, he needed to stop, needed to throw him out.

"He was a sick kid… leukemia…" Kanda forced down the lump he was forming in his throat, "just didn't get better."

A hand lifted to Allen's mouth, his eyes sympathetic and his heart on his sleeve.

"Oh… Yuu…"

Kanda's lips pressed into a tight line, his head continually shaking no.

"It was my fault he died," the elder whispered, his voice disconnected from the room he was staying in and the man he was talking too.

"Yuu?"

"He needed blood," his shoulders shrugged, "I matched… but I couldn't give…"

"Wh-Why-"

"I didn't take care of myself, my iron was too low," Kanda seemed ashamed of what he was saying, "I killed him."

Allen just stood in silence at the rather spontaneous confession. Eyes wide and quiet, the young man looked upon the young man that resembled nothing of the man he'd been dating. For months the two had been together, they'd learned so much about the other. They'd fight on occasion, but over the little things; the laundry, the dishes, lunch and dinner. While one would give in just to end the argument, they'd never give in to the point a part of them seemed to break.

That was not the Kanda Allen learned to love.

The Kanda Allen loved would not be dragged down by his regrets, he would not be so beaten by his guilt. He'd fight it, rise above and be better because of it.

"I'm not killing someone else," the hoarse voice brought the younger back to the present, his silver eyes turning back to the other, "that's why you need to get out."

"Get… you're not going kill me!" Allen retorted, his tone now desperate, something in Kanda snapping at the words.

"IT WAS MT FAULT!"

The elder now roared at the young man, his eyes narrowing vehemently.

"IF I HAD TAKEN BETTER CARE OF MYSELF-"

"He might've died anyway," the younger started, "you can't _know_ -"

"He'd have had a better _chance_ -"

"That decision was _never_ in your hands," Allen snapped, his approach now overpowering Kanda, "it was not you _fault_ he died!"

" _That_ isn't _your_ decision to make!" Kanda snarled, " _I_ was his match-"

Lips forced themselves upon the other's, the blue eyes going wide from the shock while Allen's were squeezed closed. Mismatched hands clenched the front of the collared shirt, the two pressing together as tightly as the younger could manage.

"Listen to yourself," Allen breathed once they parted, his body refusing to leave Kanda's, "maybe it was your fault maybe it wasn't," his grip tightened, "but _this_!? Pushing everyone away? Being alone? You think he'd want that? You to be miserable for the rest of your life?"

"I killed him," Kanda repeated, "I deserve-"

"I didn't ask what _you_ thought you deserved," the younger pointed out, "I asked what _he'd_ think… what I'd think."

At this Kanda turned to look at the young man, his throat catching at the genuine kindness flowing from Allen's eyes, the genuine forgiveness pouring out of him.

"You'd… say something stupid about moving on," the elder grumbled, "he'd… say the same…"

"So listen to _us_ ," Allen whispered, "forgiveness works like a relationship; two people have to be on board."

The elder seemed to crumple over the shorter, his arms coming to hold the warmth that kept him grounded.

"He can't forgive me…."

Allen let the words sink in as he held the elder, feeling odd that he was now the voice of reason when he was normally the one that liked to be reassured, to be reminded that being a little, or a lot, weird. It was one of the reasons he loved Kanda; the elder would take no doubts, take only the truth.

"No, he can't," the younger agreed, "but you can… Yuu."

He was squeezed tighter at these words, his head burying in the crook of the pale neck.

"Teach me how."

To have the self-assured young man ask for help told Allen more than he needed to know. His head nestled against the strong neckline and inhaled the deep scent of soba with the flowers Kanda delicately tended too.

"You have to learn that yourself," Allen told him, "like I do…" he pulled back to look at the deep blue eyes, "like we all do," the younger relaxed against the other, "but know that… so long as you're honest with me… I _will_ forgive you."

"Even… now?" Kanda dared to ask, hating the feeling of hope burning in his chest, "even if I ask you to stay…"

"Especially now," the younger whispered, "especially if you'll talk to me."

"I guess that's what I should've done…" the young man felt a smirk pull on his lips, "I should've known you wouldn't take no for an answer…"

"I might've," Allen shrugged, "had you meant it."

"I did," Kanda confessed, his hands reaching to gently thread through the white hair, "I meant to keep you safe," his lips reached to press against the forehead, "guess we'll just have to work on that."

"Don't worry," the younger grinned, "I'll forgive you for that too."


	4. Scars

**Sorry I was kinda late (work had me, well, working, a LOT over Christmas... joy)**

 **This is mainly pointless fluff.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **And, while it's not going to be an enjoyable Christmas for myself and my family, I hope YOU all at least enjoy it or find something to enjoy in it.**

 **Love you All!**

* * *

It was amazing how much could be learned from touching another's body. How the intimate moments had the potential to reveal as much as a conversation. Their gasps and cries voices in the night while the hands learned how the other reacted to pleasure and warmth. Every crevice, every muscle, how the stomach reacted to the nails, how the beating heart could be felt through the abdomen, how heat spread to all areas of the body; all of it was learned through touch and _feel_.

From the tips of the longs fingers through to the well-muscled abdomen and heaving chest down to the shaped thighs and over the round buttocks; Allen had memorized it all. Everything else, the most private part of Kanda, was felt _in_ him, pulsing and twitching, thrusting and pushing Allen to the precipice and back again, nails carving flesh in response the euphoria he was feeling.

In all the confusion of life, working, and the busyness, these moments of passion were _needed_. It was the break of sanity that kept them there and together, the moments that they treasured so dearly.

"Hey… Kanda?"

The young man lifted his head from the clothes he was stepping into to the other who was currently lounging in his bed. Humming sleepily, Allen rolled his body onto his stomach, arms crossed in front of his face.

"What's that thing… on your chest?

A dark eyebrow arched at the question, his blue eyes turning to look down at his chest, traveling along the black lines that wrapped around his chest.

"You mean my tattoo?" the elder questioned with a note of obviousness in his voice.

"No you idiot," Allen did his best to snap despite his sleepiness, "I mean… that other thing…" his fingers touched his own marked chest, "round there…"

"Other thing?" Kanda repeated, his eyes returning to the ohm planted on his pectoral, a strip running from under his arm to up and around the opposite shoulder before the lines met in the back. "What other thing?"

"That… mark," again the young man wagged his fingers over his own, "the one I feel all the time…"

With a confused look and a sigh, the elder moved to the bed, his body's lower half now clad in sleeping bottoms and underwear as he crawled over to the young man who was putting all the effort he had into rolling over.

"Come again?" Kanda pressed, his eyebrow raised as Allen lifted his mismatched hands to touching the muscled chest.

"It's… here somewhere," the younger grumbled as his fingers over the chest, his lips lifting up to join them.

"Fingers I understand… but _this_?" the young man raised an eyebrow as his boyfriend started planting kisses along his sternum.

"I might be able to find it better like this…" Allen mumbled matter-of-factly, "hmm… where is it…"

"Really?" Kanda grumbled, "is this just another way to get me out of pants… again?"

"Like I need to do this..." the younger muttered, "why are you even putting on pants in the first place?" he started to complain, "you're gonna just go to bed…"

"You'd be wearing something too if you slept next to a human heat sink like you," the young man muttered before a controlled gasped managed to slip from his teeth.

"Sorry," Allen whispered, his lips apologising softly at the spot he marked again, "oh! There!"

With a triumphant grin Allen pressed his finger into the spot that he'd finally found, the blue looking down to where Allen pointed too, the crest of the symbol dented from the pressure while the black eyebrows returned upwards.

" _That_!" the younger seemed triumphant at his findings, "where'd you get _that_?"

"At a tattoo parlor five years ago," Kanda muttered bluntly, "you should know; it's where and when you and Lavi got yours."

" _Nooooo_ ," the younger pouted, his other hand slapping the muscle on the upper arm, "meanie…"

Curious, the long hair slipped over the broad back to the shoulder as the head tilted.

"Are you drunk?"

The lower lip stuck out at the mention, his back flopping back onto the mattress with a soft thump.

"Jus tired…" Allen admitted, his cheek touching the pillow, silver still locked onto the blue, the two remaining in a peaceful silence for a moment longer.

"Why'd you get a tattoo there?"

What was weirder than the question was that it had yet to be asked. With most people that caught a glimpse of his tattoo they often asked him about it; where and why he got it, how painful was it, and so on. Allen, despite how many times he'd bitten, kissed, and scratched it, never once asked. Though, given his own ink that dotted his left shoulder and covered the massive scar down his left arm, the younger probably understood that there were reasons.

The jaw tightened slightly, the elder turning to look down at the eyes that held nothing more than an innocent curiosity that he had grown to fall for.

Kanda was never a romantic; thought Allen knew that when he first agreed to date. It was, however, difficult sometimes that he could not express what was in his heart. Even after almost ten years knowing each other, two years dating, and six months of living together, Kanda still found it hard to be as open as Allen was.

"You think it's because of my mark?" Kanda asked, his eyebrow raising again while the younger shrugged.

"Dunno… it's a thought," the younger mused, his fingers tracing over the small scar.

"Yes… I got a tattoo that covers half my upper torso to cover up a tiny little scar," the elder told him with eyes rolled.

"That's what makes it so brilliant! It's a cover!"

Kanda felt his face turn sarcastic at the exuberance Allen produced, his smile sleepy yet teasing.

"You are no longer allowed to see Lavi," Kanda told him bluntly while his younger just giggled.

"Oh come on," the fingers lightly stroked the raised bumps and edges almost teasingly, "there's _nothing_ I can do to get you to tell me?"

Curiosity peaked Kanda looked down at the seductive smile and grinning lips.

"You can suck and ride me all you want," a deep growl took over Kanda's already dark voice, his lips coming to brush up against the collarbone, "but I am _not_ telling you _that_ easily."

"Oh no?" Allen couldn't help but shudder at the hot breath on his neck, "and just why not?"

"Because those sorts of tactics only work on someone like you," Kanda murmured, his fingers coming to press at the soft sides while fingers worked at the hem of his pants, gently encouraging the toned flesh out of the garments he'd forced himself into not a few minutes ago.

"Wanna… bet?"

Kanda felt his lips curl upwards into a teasing grin. Allen loved his games and his gambles, though he only put something on the line when he had a guaranteed win, and he'd use any means to get it; especially cheating.

Not tonight.

A silent agreement was made, the two wordlessly trying to outdo each other, wanting to come out on top of their little arrangement, both figuratively and literally.

Fingers and arms became intertwined, unsure of who's was who's as lips cupped, sucked, and kissed at every spare inch of flesh the could find, more and more dark marks left in the wake. Clothes became tangled in the sheets and the cloth twisted around legs that clung so tightly to one another they could have broken ribs. Chests pressed and rubbed against one another as each found new ways to tease and torment the other, hinting at release before pulling back at the opportune moment, edging and teasing until it was almost too much before becoming bearable.

There seemed to be no clear winner, no advantage, no one having the upper hand.

For the first few moments at least.

"You _really_ wanna know… Moyashi?"

Each syllable of his nickname was like the maddening pleasure he was feeling; deliberately drawn out and emphasized, the teeth scrapping down his flesh and sensitive nipples driving him further and further to his breaking point, only to be made worse by the knowledge that Kanda would take it all away just before he could release.

Lips bit and he desperately wanted to beg, wanted relief, but knowing with would come with a price, without knowledge.

"C'mon… _Allen_."

The younger wished Kanda's voice wasn't so deep, so _enticing_.

Whimpering, Allen's toes tightened with his fists, half hating himself for tempting fate.

He just wanted to know.

"K- _Kanda_ …"

The voice was high and keening, sweet and wanting. His left arm reached above his head to hold to the pillow for dear life, holding onto the last shred of reality he had left.

"Two choices… make 'em."

Blue glanced up to the long mark that spoilt otherwise clear skin, the cut dragging from his forehead to his chin. His scar was worn with pride; clean and displayed for the world to see. It was a reminder to him, something that showed he was tough than most.

It was both alluring and terrifying.

Perhaps it was this toughness that made Kanda merciful, the pressure he was exuding on the other's groin lessening from a maddening pull and longing strokes to something that would bring Allen to release, that would make him scream the elder's name in desire and pleasure, the sound echoing off the walls making Kanda himself excited.

"You… are an ass," Allen panted; his fatigue returning almost as soon as the elder was finished with him, light kisses fluttering down the collar bone and now heaving chest.

"Hey, you were the one who just wanted me out of my pants," Kanda muttered, his hands reaching to brush aside the strands of white to look at the flushed face.

"Meanie," the younger mumbled, his body shuffling to try and get back under the covers, "jus… wanted to know."

At this Kanda lifted his head, the dark blue meeting the tired silver.

"Know what?" Kanda pressed, his body coming to rest beside the younger.

"The story," Allen repeated, "it's a scar… it's gotta story… they all do."

Cobalt watched the younger looking almost sadly at the mark on his left arm, knowing that while a scar was a reminder of surviving, it was also a reminder of losing.

"Not necessarily," the elder told him, "what would make you there even _was_ a story?"

"Lame or not… it's always got a story behind it," the younger mumbled sleepily, "it leaves a mark after all."

"It does," Kanda sighed, "guess you got be careful when you fall off your bike."

"Yeah... wait. What?"

Allen sat up now, almost fully awake, the sleepiness still in his eyes.

"My bike, that's how it happened," the elder shrugged, "I was, like, six… fell off my bike and got a small scratch. Left a scar," his lips smirked slightly at the bewildered look, "what? You thought it was better then that?"

"Given where it was… kinda," Allen grumbled, "like… maybe some dangerous college dare or… I dunno… some weird sex act."

It was Kanda's turned to look bewildered, his eyebrows returning to their perch.

"You are so never talking to Lavi again," Kanda groaned while Allen laughed quietly, his head on the little mark that he'd put his pride on the line to find out, thankful that the mark over Kanda's heart was not nearly as big as the one Allen made on it.


	5. Onsra

**Sorry about the lateness! Worked all day today so yeah... couldn't get it done earlier.**

 **Little angsty, but that was a given.**

 **Onsra: loving for the last time.**

* * *

Silver stared up at the grey bricks, his hands over his chest and stomach, the white blankets covering both him and the young man lying next to him. Unblinking, the young man listened for the sounds of the approaching battle that would decide his death.

They'd known this was coming for months, years even. They'd fought in this holy war since childhood, sacrificing so much and receiving nothing in return. They were lambs to the slaughter, innocents to be given up in the name of a supposedly merciful deity.

Allen had never seen mercy in this supposedly Holy war.

His breathing and sighing was almost in time with the deep inhales next to him. His head turned just enough to look at the back of the long black locks, the shoulders shown to the young man that clawed at them so desperately not a few hours ago. Each night was their last, each meeting was the last time they were going to see each other, the last time he was going to see the dark blue eyes, the last time he was going to be scolded at. Never again was he going to laugh at Lavi's jokes, smile at Lenalee's kindness, fear Komui's insanity.

Never until the next day.

When every time was last, it caused the knot of anxiety to build into a ball that could not be removed in a day.

He almost wished for it all to end sooner.

Again he glanced over to the young man sleeping next to him, reminding him why he never wanted it to come.

He was so confused, so frightened.

Swallowing down the lump that had accumulated in his throat, wishing he could just sleep as soundly as his partner. Make the day come sooner, make the anxiety ebb away and keep him sane for the few hours of sleep he could grab.

He was done with fear. Done with everything that caused him pain, grief.

He wished he'd never fallen in love.

Almost.

Bile danced on the tip of his tongue at the thought of never having these nights of pleasure, never knowing a softer Kanda, never being able to trust someone with your deadliest secrets, never having the love of another.

Never getting the moments of peace.

"What the Hell are you doing?"

Allen wasn't surprised at the tone, knowing how sensitive Kanda was to the changes of his environment. He'd probably been awakened when Allen was just about too.

"Nothing," the younger whispered, his head shaking from side to side, knowing the elder didn't trust a word out of his mouth.

"Right," Kanda muttered, his body rolling over to look up at the same darkness Allen stared at.

They just sat in silence for a moment more, his lungs expanding greatly as he tried to steady the emotions bound to crash through the wall he'd put up.

"It's quiet," Allen finally whispered, his mouth could do nothing more than state the painfully obvious.

"Guess nothing's happening right now," the elder whispered, his blue eyes turning to stare at the unblinking silver.

"Yeah," the young man swallowed thickly, "what about tomorrow though?"

"Then it happens," Kanda murmured, "why-"

"How're you okay with this?"

Kanda stopped his question midsentence at the sigh of the younger starting to tremble, his eyes wanting nothing more than to tear and his heart beating so loudly the elder could feel it through their bed.

"How can you just be okay with this?" Allen whispered, a catch in his throat and tears wanting desperately to fall, "we're going to die… just-just like that. No choice no nothing… just-"

Arms encircled and entrapped him, the young man pulling the younger tight to his open muscles and his nose burying in the white locks.

"I am not okay."

Silver eyes widened at the voice, his body stiffening at the emptiness the tone held. Gone was any form of confidence or arrogance Kanda often held high. The aloofness was replaced with a hollow emptiness that was flecked with fear and steeped in anxiety.

"I am not okay," Kanda repeated, "I used to be, but not anymore."

Allen could do nothing but tremble at the words, his hands slowly shaking as they lifted from the mattress to wrap around the strong back and shoulders. His trembling hands gripped the flesh, holding on to the one thing that kept him grounded in this world.

"I was made to die," the young man continued, "I had accepted it, was okay with it. I had to be. If I wasn't, I'd be driven insane," he swallowed thickly, "then I met you."

The young man buried his face in the warm collarbone, his eyes growing warm from the tears that started to fall.

"You waltzed in, with this stupid grin and naïveté, acting like you could save everyone," Kanda squeezed tighter, "you decide to give me something to live for. You taught me to hope, to think that things could be better, that their might be a future after all of this, one worth fighting for," lips pressed closer to the shell of the ear, the breath warming the younger's cold body, "this is all because of you."

A shiver trailed down the young man's spine at the words, his stomach tightening into further knots at the knowledge Kanda was thrusting upon him.

"I am not okay, Moyashi," the elder whispered, "I am no longer ready to die like this," his body finally pulled back to look into the silver eyes, the dark holding something yet unseen to the young man, "I'm not ready to die when I have you to live for."

The hold Allen had over his emotions faltered as his lower lip quivered and the tears finally fell, his resolve crumbling as he tried to dig his face into the young man, as though he was trying to disappear entirely into Kanda.

It was all his fault.

If he had not decided to be so selfish around the young man, Kanda would not have this fear of dying. He could go out and fight, devote the entirety of his being to destroying what came his way. There would be no doubts plaguing him, no fears to cause him moments of panic, moments that could indeed cost him the life Allen valued so dearly.

If he had not been so selfish, he wouldn't be feeling the fear of losing everything that could be.

"Don't you dare be sorry."

The words, taken so suddenly from Allen's mouth, gave the younger quite a shock, tears blurring his vision as he tried to look at the young man.

"I wouldn't trade what happened for anything."

That was what it took to silence the young man.

While they were intimate, Kanda was nothing resembling a romantic. He cared, but rarely did he show it. The words meant more to Allen then Kanda probably knew.

"I am glad for us," the young man whispered, "it showed me what life was like before it ended."

"I don't want it to end…"

Allen's voice wouldn't have been heard had there been any other sound in the room it was so close to silence. If Kanda hadn't seen the lips form words, he could've sworn it was the wind passing along the walls. The young man simply stared at the other, watching as the stubborn headstrong man seemed to crumble beneath him, his body seemingly trying to shrink in on itself.

"Neither do I," Kanda promised, his hands running down the scarred wrist, "but at the very least, I got to live, even for a short while."

The young man wanted to contradict him, to tell him that he was wrong. His words, on the other hand, would not come out. Only then did he realize that it was because they were wrong.

Kanda was right.

For however a short enough time they had left, at least they had each other for that time.

Fingers gripped the back once more, his body allowing to be held tightly by the man he'd wish he could dedicate more time than just what little bits he had left.

He was going to die.

He was going to die loving someone that reciprocated his feelings.

And it was okay to not be okay with that.

He somehow managed to fall asleep in his lover's arms, held tightly enough to think that everything could be okay, if only for a few hours.

They dressed slowly in the morning, almost as if the speed could determine of prolong their fate.

"Hey."

Allen was still not any better after last night, his latest freak out not helping his exhausted mental state one bit.

His head was lifted by a finger under his chin only to have lips press firmly against his, Kanda strong and determined in his efforts to calm the younger.

"If we die tonight, then may you be in heaven an hour before the devil even knows your dead."

Allen felt his lips quirk upwards at the sentiment, wondering just what brought on the softness in the elder.

"If that happens, don't hurry back to me," Allen told him softly, smiling up at the elder.

"Just remember one thing," Kanda told him, "I don't regret learning to fear dying. It means I found something worth living for."

"Yeah," the younger sighed his body lifting up to hold the other tightly around the neck, "neither do I."


	6. Swan Song

**Okaay... so this one's coming a little early given that I'll be in a car for most of today.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **Swan Song: A final public preformance**

* * *

The audience's murmuring was almost unbearable; the hushed whispers and low murmurs collecting and traveling through the heavy red curtain, reaching the ears of the caped performer.

The silver mask lifted up to the sounds that called his name, his persona on every lips in the theater, every question asked and repeated to their neighbour, the men and women wondering about the last performance of the man they had paid almost a fortune to see.

It was the last piece the Masked Pianist was to preform.

His announcement had frightened several of his fans, and outraged even more of them. Eventually, news became acceptance, those desperate to see him scrambling to grab one last ticket to watch as the man whose fingers could dance along the keys of the piano and make the music sing more sweetly than any other.

A heart hammered wildly in the young man's chest, his throat thick and stomach sick.

He wasn't ready to give up his passion.

Not now.

A deep breath helped ease the light-headedness that was more than stage fright.

It had been plaguing him for months, the idea that he was done, over with, that it was all coming to an end.

This was his swan song.

Eyes lifted up to the stage manager that seemed as panicked as he felt, her hands gesturing wildly, fingers asking if he was ready to go. With a curt nod, the young woman turned and beckoned to the young men ready to aid in his final show.

Silence fell over the crowd like a shadow, blanketing and muffling the murmurs as the curtain rose to reveal nothing but a white piano trimmed in gold. The seat sat empty, the keys untouched, waiting for its owner to settle in an play it one last time.

With a swallow, a botted foot slowly hit the stage, the black clomping along the wood to reveal his rather ostentatious costume. A white cape surrounded his body as he walked, hiding his gate; a mask sat perched on the bridge of his nose and a white hood, framed in white fur hid the shock of white hair he refused to dye.

His name's varied; the Classical clown, the white-painted freak, the masked child. The one he liked best was the one his publicist pushed: The Masked Pianist.

White gloves flashed as the cape opened to reveal a rather formal suit, white as his persona faked. With the dramatics instilled at him in a young age, the young man dipped low to the crowds, the audience applauding as was common curtesy. Again he bowed low, both an apology and a thank you to those who've helped him with the career he'd built since he was eighteen.

As was custom, the young man turned without a word and moved to his instrument, his fingers reaching to ghost over the keys that got him through the worst years of his life. If the silver eyes could be seen from the audience, they would seem wistful, sorrowful, and even flecked with regret.

He never wanted to leave the art that brought him joy.

A small cough had the eyes flickering up from the sheet music to the opposite end of the stage, a tall figure standing between the nervous manager and sound guy. Arms crossed over his chest, the young man seemed sour, his face stern and unflinching.

His body shuffled slightly as the silver eyes landed on him, the young man nodding briefly for a moment before he jerked his head to the audience, Allen's open mouth closing slowly at the silent message.

The decision to put his mask away for good was by far the hardest decision of his life. He loved the people who got him to where he was, those who encouraged him to make better and better music.

He didn't want to give it up.

"You're not."

Allen wondered what sort of tricks fear was playing with his mind that he could practically hear and feel his boyfriend near him. Glancing up, the young man met the confused blue once again, the elder wondering just what was causing the other to freeze up on stage.

"I'm right here for you."

The younger could just feel the strong arms surround him and push him into the chest, reassuring the decision he made; reassuring that he was indeed ready to let go of his persona and become himself on stage, to become his own person, not some fictional phantom of the opera.

For months he'd lamented over his thoughts to leave behind the cape, stress causing him to flip and freak out, to roll around in his bed for days on end, only to be kicked out in the middle of the day by a rather frustrated boyfriend.

Kanda had no idea what the younger moonlighted as, had absolutely no clue that the man he was sharing a bed, and soon to be sharing a house with, was the famed Masked Pianist. Only when he stumbled upon the costume, quite literally, when cleaning out the costume for their big move.

Allen hated the fight that broke out over the costume. It wasn't even so much that they fought over the secret or that the younger hadn't told him, but it was more how carelessly he treated artifacts that the younger should've hidden more carefully. Kanda complained that it showed Allen didn't give a damn about himself, while the younger retuned with the fact that Kanda shouldn't have been snooping in his closet.

After about a half an hour of circular fighting they finally hit the core, the part that made Allen quiver slightly.

They needed a calming period after their argument, the younger found on the couch binging T.V. when Kanda found him, the young man finally confessing the fear of his stage retirement.

A comment that received him a light smack from the elder.

Followed by the most enlightening words he'd received in a long time.

"This isn't the end for you; it doesn't end until you want it too."

His end was bound to come; it was inevitable from the moment he started.

But that did not mean it was over.

Things change, become something else, morph something that they would love just as much if not more.

He was ending his career as the Masked Pianist, but his career as Allen Walker was only just beginning. His piano was leaving the stage, but coming home to rest in the beautiful sunroom he was going to live in with his loved one. The Masked Pianist was hanging up the cape, but his world was still wide open. He wasn't retiring because he had too, it was because he wanted too, felt okay with it, he was _ready_ to be finished.

Ready to be done playing for peanuts like some sort of stage monkey.

There were contracts set up for his future, contracts that offered him the freedom he'd wanted for so long and the movement he'd desired.

He couldn't be two people when one person deserved only one.

He was ready to start the next chapter of his life, with the person he loved.

The bated breath the audience held was released in a slow exhale as the piano keys were stroked with such a delicacy it wouldn't be playing if he didn't add any pressure to the instrument. The people leaned towards the man on stage, each listening intently as they drank in the last few notes they'd ever hear coming from the masked face.

Allen could feel it again, the passion flowing through him and into his music, feeling the excitement of the future, the excitement he had at the anticipation that we was to preform the next composition I his own name, with his own face. His music would be his own now; not beholden to the silver mask that hid his eyes.

It was his swan song, the final performance in public, but not his final performance forever.

He would preform again. For himself this time, for his lover, for the fans that listened for his music, not his rising popularity.

Over the years it became muddled as to _why_ he was writing music, why he was doing this. For fame? To become better? For others? To become an icon?

The true reason should've been for himself, for the spark that got him invested in all this.

Had he never met Kanda, he'd have never found the spark again; forgotten what it felt like to play what he loved simply because he loved it.

It was why he played what he played now.

No one, no one but him would know the true meaning behind his tune "For You". He'd never tell anyone they added a letter that shouldn't belong; that it wasn't for them it was for Yuu.

 _His_ Yuu.

The song was like Kanda, strong and powerful, deliberate and impulsive, slow and rash. He played for the home was going to make, the love that had returned for everything.

The happiness that was overcoming him.

Whatever happened, whatever came; he'd always have the memories.

The applause was roaring and thunderous; loud enough to shake the foundation. It resonated through the instrument and into the younger's very core. With the neutral expression all were used to seeing, the young man stood, resisting the urge to simply bolt offstage, and bowed low, again thanking them for their attention and dedication to his craft. With a few more dramatics, the young man turned and moved to the other stage, stepping towards the young man he threw his arms around, squeezing him tightly. a small word whispered into the welcome ear.

"Thank you…"

"Allen!"

The young man looked over to the stage manager interrupting their reunion, her hands frantically pointed back to the stage.

"They want more! Give 'em another bow!"

His smile faltered slightly, silver glancing back to Kanda. He promised, the second he stepped off the stage, he was done, the mask was finished. With an understanding, blue met his confusion, a quick nod darting in his direction.

"Go," the elder whispered, "I'll be waiting for what you decide."

His heart in his mouth and stomach in his throat, Allen turned to look at the stage, still lit and showcasing his prized piano. The audience was still mad for him, still desiring to see more of the forbidden face.

But he'd promised…

His nod returned, Kanda watched at the young man turned back to the people that were waiting for him, for those that craved more.

Allen turned, showmanship at the ready as he bowed low, his hands across his chest and flicking out for each movement.

It was only when the silver reflected in the spotlight did Kanda and everyone else finally realized there was no mask to hide the scarred face.

Bravery was all that Allen held as he faced the people, some of them gasping at the sight, others unable to react to the sight of their fabled performer, now a mere human.

"The Silver Mask leaves the stage tonight," Allen announced, his voice carrying through the crowds, "the Masked Pianist with not play again," he swallowed thickly, "but I… Allen Walker, will play again. Watch for me."

His falseness was gone, now replaced with the truth. With a smile, Allen looked towards the only person that wasn't having what seemed like a panic attack back stage. A small smile on his own face, Kanda raised his hands to applaud the finality of the mask, and the beginning of Allen.


	7. Revenant

**Last day on the last day of this fucked up year!**

Seriously though... it was a BAD year for me.

Sorry it's so late; like I said, been busy with my new job.

Thank you for being with me in what felt like my return. I want to try and do more like what I used to do (update and storywise), but I can only do what I can.

I love all you guys so much; you are helping me through what is the darkest time in my life and making me all the better for it.

Let's hope for a better 2016!

 **Revenant **  
****» Coming back; returning from the dead/after a lengthy absenc **e** **  
**or Metempsychosis  
» Reincarnation, rebirth, rebirth as a new life form

* * *

A warm breath of air puffed through the air from the parted lips, the silver eyes watching the cloud roll and collect for a moment more before it dissipated into the night sky. Shivering slightly, a scarf came up to hide the nose and mouth from the now biting cold.

The night sky came early around this time of year, darkness longer and colder than most were used too. Arms tightened around the slim waist, hugging the pale body tightly.

While the young man was absolutely freezing, he was at least glad that it was one of the things that hadn't changed in all the years he'd been gone.

Hurrying along the cobblestone path, the white hair bobbed with each step.

He could _not_ be late.

Not tonight.

Not after what he'd concluded was almost two centuries apart.

His new life had been a relatively peaceful one, one with a father that cared for him, loved him, stayed with him through his childhood and beyond. Though he was picked on for his hair, the odd skin that coated his left arm and ran down the left side of his face, and his dreamlike behaviour. His teachers described it as if the boy was living in another world.

They had no idea how accurate they were.

Allen started having dreams when he turned eleven, the boy waking up in tears with visions of giant mechanical ghosts that hovered in the air above him, their painted masks groaning in what the child could only assume was pain. Crying to his father, the boy found no answers from the sympathetic look. Told that the dreams would pass, the child grew more anxious when they became increasingly vivid.

As difficult as the nightmares were, the young man was grateful for everything his father tried to give him, especially now knowing just how little the elder made a month. The therapists and councillors all could not find a reason for the dreams, but offered instead some medications that could take all the dreams away.

It was almost worse than the nightmares.

Despite how much the dreams terrified him, the boy did not want to get rid of them. He wanted to _know_ ; wanted to know what the demons were, wanted to know who the people were that made him feel calmer when they moved towards him, talking, laughing, and keeping close to him.

Guilt now consumed him at the sight of his now worried father, the elder constantly fretting over his son along with issues over money and rent.

Trying to appease the elder, the young man took up an instrument that would bring a brief moment of joy to him, choosing something that he was inexplicably drawn too.

The piano.

His skills far surpassed any in his age group, prompting his teacher to bump him up a few levels, the young boy swiftly becoming the best in his music school, his talent taking him to places he never thought possible.

The look in his father's eyes when it was determined that his son was to have a full-ride scholarship to one of the top universities in the country was more than enough to make up for the years of training and hard lessons.

Grateful for everything, the young man traveled across the country for his schooling, a decision he found rather fortuitous given that he met someone he'd only ever dreamed of.

Of all the changes he was grateful for, technology and the ability to connect with others across the globe. He might've never had found his friends.

The shock or red hair startled him at first, the silver eyes looking up at the young man that walked towards him, green eye smiling along with the lips.

"How 'ya been, Allen?"

It was then he was reminded of his old life, his old name.

His old self.

Reunited with Lavi, the young men set out on a journey to find all their old friends, Lenalee, Tyki, Komoui.

Kanda.

There was something about the young man that made his stomach flip and excitement fill his veins, though at the time, he had no name to give.

Allen only knew the feeling of the elder, knowing that he made him both angered and calm, his emotions for the unknown man growing into something he could only identify as love.

At first he thought it was ridiculous; loving someone that he'd never met or even known. He was reminded, however, that he _did_ once know the young man, once touched him, kissed him, cared for him.

Even loved him.

Their interaction online came much like the way Lavi's did. A pure accident.

He was the one who reached out, heart in his mouth as the mouse clicked the "send", the nervousness only serving to grow when he heard nothing back for about a week. He'd have given up entirely, had a message not returned saying nothing more than a time and address.

Now Allen was running to the Italian restaurant at full speed, fear in his heart at the sight of the light illuminating the sidewalk, the windows opened to the world, waiters and patrons moving and talking about without a care. Peeking in from the other side of the street, silver eyes looked around for the young man that he was now unsure that he'd remember.

The absence of the young man that'd haunted his dreams made his heart sink lower than it had in years and brought back all the anxieties he'd forced down for months.

What if he only loved Allen _then_ , out of convenience. What if the elder had something _better_ , had what he _actually_ wanted, not what was simply there. What if he was happy with the now, wanting to tell Allen not to contact him again, to leave him alone, that he was content with what he had. What if he was going to tell the younger to just move on, to forget what happened and just leave the past in the past.

To tell Allen that he was no longer in love.

The younger wasn't sure he could handle it.

He'd spent almost every waking moment thinking about the deep blue eyes that stared at him in his dreams. He couldn't seem to forget the thick accent and smooth voice that called to him. The fingers were long and strong, knowing every crevice, every nook, every piece of flesh that was on the pale body. His own body was strong, muscled, and tattooed, often tense and prepared for something around the corner to attack him. The man was skilled, both with a sword and his strength, knowing the limits of both and often pushing them, preferring to finish things quickly rather than figure out the puzzle.

The dreams only became more vivid when they became sexual.

At first they frightened him, how his mind was able to conjure up such elaborate and wild fantasies, all surrounding one man. They eventually became comforting, pleasing, and exciting. The images he created were so strong they could only be memories, the excitement he felt was as familiar as the body he imagined rubbing up against him, the only thing he couldn't remember was what he called the other. The name he used to moan was never to the forefront of his mind; it always dancing on his tongue just out of reach, taunting him with knowledge but never granted it.

He just wanted to know…

His solution came in the most bazaar of methods.

After a night of rather excessive drinking, the one friend he'd found made a ludicrous request that their drunken minds thought was rather brilliant.

They'd record one of his dreams.

The young man woke with a rather splitting headache and almost no memory of the night before. Thus, the image of his phone recording audio was rather peculiar.

His decision to listen alone was a rather fortuitous one.

The pale face grew a rather impressive shade of magenta at the sounds of his whimpering and moaning, slightly impressed he could make such a noise from nothing but a dream. He heard covers shuffling and sheets moving as his body adjusted to the heat breathed onto his skin, the mess Allen woke up with now quickly explained.

" _Ka…. Ka… nd… Yuu…"_

The name almost made Allen faint, his eyes widening in shock and his heart dropping into his stomach.

Kanda…

Kanda….

Kanda Yuu.

It was amazing how much he knew about someone he'd never truly met.

He knew the feeling of the long hair running through his fingers, the texture of the scalp underneath his nails, the thighs spreading his apart, how the muscles rubbed against his. Allen knew that he loved soba and hated sweets, he knew that the elder preferred solitude and thought of his "friends" as morons half the time, yet he'd do almost anything to keep them safe.

And he knew that he loved Kanda.

Their former relationship had been physical, to keep the stress of the knowing that they were probably the only thing to keep the world from being destroyed. They were quick sessions at first, ones that left the young men breathless enough to forget about their day, but were able to move away after a few moments of rest, neither of them bringing up their interaction until the next night.

He was almost desperate to meet the elder that brought so much pleasure and life to him, so excited to meet Kanda once again. Now, he was regretting being so eager, wondering just how much of a fool he'd been.

He couldn't do this.

Feet pattered along the sidewalk as Allen turned to run home, his heart torn at the realization that anything he had in the past should just remain in the past.

What was he even hoping for.

Too invested in his own pity the young man didn't see the other until he crashed into him.

Arms waved as the young man attempted to regain his balance from nearly knocking over the young man that stood in front of him, arms reaching out to catch the younger.

Like they always did.

Silver eyes looked up to the young man that held him, his knees going weak at the sight of Kanda Yuu.

He looked almost exactly the same; his hair up in a high ponytail, his eyes a dark blue and his form standing tall. Wind moved the long locks from the back and ruffled the trench coat from around his shins, long boots climbing up the strong legs that were clad in black.

It would've looked odd to a passer-byer, the two of them simply standing there, one on an odd angle while the other looked as though he was being dipped.

Slowly, their muscles adjusted to standing position, their eyes never leaving the others; hands still in the other.

"Kan… da?"

The young man could only whisper the name that had eluded him for so long, the body he'd only dreamed about now less than a foot away, the long fingers holding his scarred ones.

He was expecting a smirk and a "che" in response to his uncertainty, the elder chastising him for forgetting or tease him about being so star struck.

Instead, what he got was a mouth opening and closing while the elder swallowed thickly, his words escaping him as well.

Daring to break eye contact, the young man looked back to the restaurant they were supposed to meet at, his head turning from one to the other, eyes widening as a thought struck him.

"I… I was just…" his thumb jerked to the lights, "I didn't see you… a-and I was just gonna wait out here and…"he swallowed with a sigh, his hand falling to hit his coat, "can we just get some tea… or something? I'm freezing."

Kanda just stared at the young man who was usually so strong and stubborn now almost on the verge of tears, his eyes so full of emotion that his heart hadn't yet understood.

He only nodded and followed.

Allen couldn't think of a café to take the elder too, his footsteps taking him on a mapped route home. The young man would glance up to the elder that walked beside him, the blue eyes glancing down to him almost as many times as the younger did.

Somehow he managed to bring Kanda to his apartment, the two still in a shocked and eerie silence very unbecoming to them.

It was uncomfortable and awkward as Allen busied himself with the kettle and the tea he'd bought to remind himself of Kanda, the smell calming and familiar, keeping the memories sharp and his heart full.

The young man glanced to the elder that was now sitting on his couch, a coat over the back of the couch and the broad back bent over, almost unsure of what to do. For Allen, it was surreal, to see a fantasy mingling with his reality, almost as though he was living in both times at once.

"Here."

He was thankful that he'd managed to contain his stammer of disbelief long enough to set down the steaming cup of tea on the coffee table, Kanda only looking up from reprieve to thank him.

"It's… white tea," Allen murmured, looking for something to fill the silence with, "you're favorite… right?"

He swallowed thickly, his own cup between his fingers.

"I-I mean… _was_ your favorite… back then," he sucked in a deep breath, "I-I don't know if it is anymore… it could've changed-"

He stopped his rambling at the sight the eyes gave him, the blue urging him to be silent.

"It's fine," Kanda murmured, his fingers extending to take the cup, the action looking almost difficult for him, "thank you."

Allen nodded softly, wondering just how long Kanda had been waiting for him in the cold.

They sat in silence for a while, the two alternating between sipping tea and holding the cup close to them. Allen's legs took up to crossing his shins and pulling his knees close to his chest.

What could be said after so long apart? "How are you" wasn't applicable, "what have you been up too?" wasn't something to be asked. Allen swallowed thickly, his eyes unmoving from the cub his fingers were squeezing to death. He wanted to know _everything_ about who Kanda was now, wondering if he was anything like the who he was then.

"H… Hey… Yuu-"

A cup shattered with it's mate on the floor while the other two joined them on the rug. Lips sloppily covered the younger's, hands pulling the front of the white-button up to him, keeping them as close as he could manage. His partner reciprocated after a moment of stunned silence, his own hands returning to where they felt the most natural, clinging to the strong shoulders and holding as tightly as he could.

Their mouths opened in unison, tongues slipping into the other's mouth, sliding across the muscle while hands gripped and grabbed at every inch of clothing that dared cover the bodies they'd been dreaming about for so long.

A loud shredding sound filled the silence, fibers of white coated the floor from the rags that remained of Allen's shirt, the pale body shuddering in the chilled air. Hands and fingers sought to rectify that situation, pulling and rubbing along the pale flesh.

" _Ah… hah!"_

Never in all his dreams had Allen felt so _real_ , wishing he'd taken the plunge sooner, wish he'd sought out the young man almost as soon as he and his friend found him online. For days he'd look at the other's pictures and comments, envious of those on his kendo team, in his gardening club, and even the people that sat next to him in lectures, the young man wishing he could be so casually close to Kanda.

A stream of hisses escaped the pale lips when he dared to part kisses to draw breath, the blunt nails causing welts in his hips and waist, Allen hoping they lasted for more than a few days, wanting reminders of the night they found each other.

His own fingers found the open collar, his hands reaching to pull the turtleneck over the long black hair, the two hating the moments they needed to pause. Thrown away into some unknown corner of the room, Allen and Kanda disregarded the clothes while they kissed and nipped at the exposed skin, hoping to leave marks of possession along the flesh.

Teeth skimmed down the creamy throat to the open collarbone, moans spilling from the open mouth as Allen's head tilted back to expose more of his body to the man who was pleasing it. Pants were now becoming an issue as the young man felt himself grow from the excitement and pleasure coursing through his blood. Hips shuffling, Allen ground his lower body into the man above him, a small gasp escaping the back of his throat at the knowledge that he was not the only one becoming hard from their antics.

" _Ah… UHN_!"

His back hit the ground as the shock from the bite wore off, his bud rather sensitive from the nip Kanda gave him. The elder was merciless as he continued to rub and tease the younger, the chest rocking from side to side as the young man did his best to deal with the pleasure that was currently driving him insane. Nails dug into the muscled flesh in response to the feeling that was coursing through his chest and down his spine, his hips jolting as another set of fingers slid into the young man's pants and slowly started tugging them down, neither one wanting to wait for any interruptions.

Allen lifted his legs to allow for easy access, his body regretting it after he was reminded of just how cold the air was. He wanted to close his knees at the first gust of air.

Lips traveled along the sternum to the navel, kisses fluttering down the pale skin growing dangerously close to the part Allen desperately wanted touched.

" _Hmmm…_ _hah…_ "

White hair thrashed while the mouth remained open, his body waiting and wanting, begging to be taken like the way his dreams reminded him.

The young man felt the carpet dragged along his back as his hips were lifted into the air, his body settling on the other's while lips returned to his, kissing and telling the younger that this wasn't just some fantasy he cooked up.

This was _real_.

Fingers threaded through the long locks, nails digging into the scalp and pulling the tresses from the tie the elder religiously had, the hair falling like a curtain around the two of them, concealing them from the outside world.

"Moyashi…"

The nickname he used to loathe sounded beautiful on the dark lips, the elder's rich voice dripping with desire and want, his fingers pressing on the hips as something seemed to pause the pleasure.

"Just do it."

Allen was desperate. He _wanted_ pain, wanted it to hurt. Pain reminded him of reality, reminded him of what happened.

"Make it hurt."

It was the permission Kanda needed, his own undergarments thrown aside with his pants, the two of them having no time to prepare before the elder shoved his way inside, the roughness making Allen scream.

It was short and sudden, startling both of them into pausing briefly. Sucking in a deep breath, the young man did his best to relax his body, willing it to accept the man he knew he once, and still did, love.

Arms came to clasp the other's neck, his back lifting off the ground to press their chests together.

It hurt, being treated so roughly. Each thrust would cause him pain, make him wince and scream.

It was what he wanted.

His body was nowhere near ready for Kanda to resume their lustful wants; his hearth, however, had been ready for almost two centuries.

Kanda was almost regretful as he began to thrust into the man he'd missed for so long, Allen's face grimacing as pain radiated through him, his teeth gritting as he willed himself to relax, that it would be better, that something-

" _Ah…. Ah… UHN!"_

The back jolted as pleasure shot up the spine, his vision becoming blissful and his grunts of pain became a scream of more.

" _Oh… OH!_ "

His body became taunt as he pressed it closer to Kanda's, his back retuning to the carpet as the young man thrust into him strongly, each movement searching again for the spot that used to make the younger weep with pleasure.

"Th… There… THERE!"

Allen was demanding as his moans and cries became louder, his back running against the floor, pleasure filling his senses and making his body flush. Kanda was overtop of him, back arching as he fulfilled each need his lover had, his mouth alternating between hisses and grunts, his own desire fueling his body.

The sounds that slipped from the lips were like nectar, sweet and intoxicating, the screams loud enough to cause unease in anyone who might be listening.

Kanda felt no pain in the tightness that surrounded his member, it only served to heighten the pleasure he was feeling. Muscles involuntarily twitched and jerked around the intrusion, the feeling unlike anything he could've dreamed.

Their release was in unison, sweet and blinding, both crying at the ecstasy that flooded their systems, both unable to comprehend even their own names in the aftermath. Nothing could pass their lips other than air, chests heaving and desperately trying to recover from the quick, but intense passion.

They stilled in position, the young men trying to drink in the reality of their situation. Slowly, the silver eyes lifted to the blue above him, his fingers weakly slipping from the back he'd clung desperately too to skim along the sharp cheekbone, his fingertips running along the warmed flesh.

With a grunt, the young man slipped out of the man he'd wanted to taste since his sexual awakening, the muscled body landing beside Allen's, the two turning up to stare at the ceiling.

"… wow…"

The word was only breathed after the silence became unbearable, Allen unable to think of anything else to describe the encounter the night had brought. Slowly, the silver eyes returned to Kanda's, the young man only able to stare at each other for a brief instance before a fit of giggles slipped from Allen's mouth.

"What?"

Confused, Kanda found a rare smile slipping onto his lips as he felt the infectious laugh catch him off guard, his shoulders shaking slightly while an odd hand covered the silver eyes.

"I thought you'd hate me…"

The confession was an odd one to be paired with a smile and a laugh, Kanda sobering up while Allen continued to giggle.

"I thought you were going to tell me to leave you alone," Allen pressed, "I thought you wanted a new life… without me…"

"I have a new life…"

It was Allen who turned back to look at the elder, his smile faltering slightly while Kanda remained calm.

"I have a new life," the elder repeated, "but the old one I had help to make the me in this new one," his fingers again brushed along the pale cheek, "and I still want you… despite what I was."

Lips softened at the words, his anxiety easing as he stared into the blue he only imagined for years.

"Our past makes us who we are now," Allen agreed, "but… I still want what the past had now…"

"Who says everything has to stay in the past?"

The question was remarkably deep for a man Allen claimed was dumber than a post. A small laugh had the young man looking back up, his lungs sucking in a deep sigh as he was finally grateful to let go of the past and hold on to the memories.

"If I wake up with a rug burn on my ass tomorrow, I might want that," the younger commented, a small scoff from beside him making him smile warmer.

"My knees might be just as bad," Kanda muttered, his arms instinctively wrapping around the young man that rolled into him, his nose burying in the soft white as he drank in the scent of his past, present, and what he hoped to be his future.


End file.
